The Secret Every Husband Wants His Wife To Know

Husbands want to be wanted. There you go. The secret’s out.

Though they won’t be quick to admit it, there is within every a husband a strong and inescapable longing to be wanted by their wives. The desire is strong, having a profound affect on their mood, attitude and even their sense of self-worth.

Where does it come from and why is it so powerful?

Ephesians 5:23 tells us that as “head of his wife,” a husband has been given the responsibility of providing for, protecting, and leading his family. God has wired into the soul of man the need for affirmation in these roles. When a husband feels like he is appreciated and valued as provider/protector/leader, he feels fulfillment in being the man God made him to be.

Because most men struggle with insecurity, wives have a lot of power in this area. A critical word can make a husband feel worthless and crush their spirit. Conversely, words of encouragement will empower him, giving him much-needed confidence.

A wife can significantly bless her husband by recognizing and affirming his abilities and accomplishments. You can show appreciation for his hard work, being a great dad or by affirming him when he demonstrates wisdom or leadership. Simple statements like, “I love being your wife.” or “I’m proud of you.” will sink deep into his soul.

Being wanted also has a profound effect on a couple’s sex-life.

I’ve found a consistent theme with many couples struggling in their sexual relationship. Most women mistakenly believe that their husband’s desire for sex is primarily physical. While the physical aspect is significant, sex for men is much more.

In For Women Only: What You Need to Know About the Inner Lives of Men Shaunti Feldhahn says, “It gives them an increasing sense of confidence and well-being that carries over into every other area of his life.” The opposite is also true. When a husband doesn’t feel desired by his wife, “…he not only feels his wife is rejecting him physically, but that she is somehow rejecting his life as a husband, provider and man.”

Yes, most husbands want to have more sex. But it isn’t sex that men most want from their wives. The underlying issue is that husbands want to be wanted.

I understand husbands don’t always do the best job of making themselves desirable. Most men, including myself, have lots of room for improvement. But wives can offer tangible demonstrations of love and grace to their husbands by giving them an amazing gift, confirmation that they are indeed wanted.

What have you seen in your own marriage (or in other’s marriages) that speaks to a husband wanting to be wanted?

  • Andy

    Right On !!  Being needed and being wanted are two separate things, and you hit the target about being wanted.

    • dpchristian

      Thanks Andy! I had not thought of the distinction between being needed and wanted, but it’s so true. There are probably lots of husbands who feel like they are needed, and while that’s a very good thing, it’s something completely different to feel wanted. Great insight!

  • Info

    Great insight Donovan….EVERYONE needs to feel wanted as well as needed. 
    I believe Jesus wants us ALL…and ALL of us as well.
     Sometimes, unfortunately, PRIDE gets in the way.
     I also believe wives and children also long to be wanted. Thank you so much for sharing!

    • dpchristian

      Thank you, and yes pride does get in the way. I also agree that everyone wants to be wanted, however, I believe most people naturally assume that’s true for wives/children, but not for husbands. Thanks for the response!

  • Tony Burroughs

    This is exactly what I’m facing now in my marriage. It puts every emotion that I feel in perspective. I thought that I was being overly emotional about it, but I still took a chance and poured out to my wife via emails (cause she doesn’t hear me when I talk to her in person) telling her about EVERY thing that I could think of to explain the reason I feel detached and unwanted. I even told her about a lie I told her that got her upset, and honestly it felt good because it involved me “hanging out with the fellas” but the reality is, I was just driving around crying about it all. She doesn’t understand why I need her to just sit in my arms on the couch, or want her to cuddle with me in the bed. I asked for sex at least twice a week, but she indicates that she can go without it and that she just “does it for me to keep me from going out abd cheating.” The worse thing about all of this is the we’ve only been married a little over a year (both were married before) . I just feel myself sinking in a pit of resentment and bitterness and I am losing hope. I don’t know what to do anymore. It hurts so bad. I’ve never experienced hurt like this before.

    • dpchristian

      Tony. Sorry to hear you’re struggling. I would strongly recommend finding a qualified marriage counselor or a pastor to help you walk through this time. Be careful about letting bitterness creep in and don’t give up hope. All relationships have challenges and they can be worked through.